CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- Gambling is of no interest to me whatsoever, but I have always known that I will someday win the Powerball. I am so sure of this that I rarely buy tickets and I scoff at those who do. Who wins what, what state the Powerball is won in, weighing out the chances -- or even thinking about the dollar amount -- is totally immaterial to me.It's just something that I know will happen.I have already planned my foundation.I already know which passports we will acquire. I already know where we will hide when everyone finds out where we live. I have already decided who gets what, both now and in my last will and testament. I have already decided that the governess will be Chinese, not British. I already know that nothing will change except the amount of people we employ and the absolute fact that I will not deal with any of them.What if my in-laws challenge the winnings? What if they say I found a $20 bill in my husband's pants pocket to buy the tickets because I don't have any money of my own?I have already checked into this also.There is no judge in the WORLD that would redistribute my Powerball proceeds once they find out the work I have to do. If they sue me, I am just going to reveal that I have already given my husband half of it! Or possibly all of it! They can even have some too!Then the entire extended family will set sail for destinations unknown in my boat "The Love Lottery."
But it will have to be a VERY big boat.Now this whole scenario will be a cute movie, which I plan to option to Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck's production company.I might decide to become a director or stick my sons in the movie.But what I'd really like to do is take some cooking classes in Europe, learn another language and make stunning scrapbooks.
Why all of this hasn't fallen in my lap yet is beyond me.So when I remembered to buy Powerball tickets the other day, I got 10 of them. I already had four tickets I hadn't even bothered to check yet from last time. In fact, I am not really sure how to check Powerball tickets, so I have probably won before and just didn't even know it! Someone told me to go back to the store where I bought them and they could check it for me. I have to make a note of that.So I put on my Russian Red Chanel lipstick and went to the Go-Mart. I said, "Hello, friend, would you check my Powerball tickets?"
I stood there patiently, smiling, even though I am usually in a wild hurry about everything because there is something crazy going on at the house. But this was a moment I wanted to savor.So he ran them all through the machine. He said if I won the Powerball, the machine would beep.So I stood there like I know the sun is going to rise in the east. I wasn't even excited about it.As he was running all the tickets through, I said, "You know, I really don't care about this. That's how I know the outcome. You see, I don't actually do this kind of thing. It's really quite silly."The clerk just looked at me.It was the day before Thanksgiving and he was looking totally exhausted, wearing pajama pants.
When the machine didn't buzz after the final ticket, I knew it was either a mistake or that the time was not yet nigh. I was shocked but by no means disappointed.Absolutely no one could spend a Powerball as skillfully as I could, which doesn't mean I LIKE the idea or that I WANT to do it. It just means I know how. On some fundamental level, I intuit that winning the Powerball is just going to be a whole big bunch of MORE WORK FOR ME. That may be the reason why it isn't all that exciting.Afterward I just stood there in complete disbelief, and said, "Really?"Reach Tracy Herz at firstname.lastname@example.org.