What do you give to the man who has everything? Probably nothing, since he has everything.
In case you’re getting the message late, Sunday is Father’s Day. Before you run out and buy another tie or check the bargain bin for a new hat, how about trying a joke?
Jokes cost next to nothing, something your average dad will appreciate.
For your eye-rolling amusement, we asked a few witty friends for their “best” dad jokes. What we got was a mix of traditional, topical and even original material. Some are even funny.
Unleash them at will, but maybe still take your dad out to lunch.
From guitarist Ryan Kennedy:
A piece of string walks into a saloon and sits at the bar. The barkeep says, “Hey! We don’t serve your kind here!”
The string angrily walks outside, messes up his hair and ties himself up. Then, he goes right back into the saloon and sits at the bar. The barkeep says, “Hey! Aren’t you that same piece of string that was in here a minute ago?”
The string replies, “No sir. I’m a frayed knot.”
From comedian/actor Tony Slack, who said he knew a lot of “Star Wars” dad jokes, but just sent a couple:
What’s Yoda’s advice for going to the bathroom? Doo-doo or doo-doo-not-do.
What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun? Lukewarm.
What is the No. 1 Stormtrooper TV show? Game of Clones.
What’s Forrest Gump’s Facebook password? 1Forrest1.
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was so in tents.
Did you hear about the lead singer of U2 joining the NFL? He’s gonna work Pro-Bono.
From champion liar, comedian and author Bil Lepp:
What did Fiddy Cent do when he was hungry? Fiddy ate.
From comedian/actor/director Stuart Frazier:
Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
How does a galaxy throw a party? They planet.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin says, “Wow it’s so hot in here!” The other muffin says, “Oh my gosh, a talking muffin!”
From actor/improv comic Jim-Bob Williams, who writes his own material and does his own stunts:
Disappointed to find no expletives in the Gazette-Mail puzzles, since I was told there were “cross” words.
If we had a disease that would keep us from growing up, it would be a peter pandemic.
In this area, cars are never dirty. It’s an auto no-muss zone.
I’m masking everyone to take reasonable precautions.
Don’t know how to protest effectively? Let me demonstrate.
Honest elections are the Secretary of State’s primary concern.
If your bologna has a first name, you might be a cannibal.
Telecommuting has no traffic jams, yet ZOOM has gridlock.
FestivALL is now virtual. Parking has never been easier. There was a space in my garage.
Bill Lynch asked for something he could be for “One Month at a Time.” I suggested a calendar.
From Morgan Morrison at The Clay Center:
What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
I used to hate facial hair ... but then it grew on me.
From actor and improv comedian Kevin Michael Pauley:
Kid: “Dad, can you put the cat out?”
Father: “I didn’t know it was on fire.”
Dad: “What concert has tickets for just 45 cents?”
Kid: “Dad ... don’t.”
Dad: “50 Cent featuring Nickleback!”
From ‘Mountain Stage’ associate producer and ‘Three Things’ host Jeff Shirley:
(Scene: Picking up Jeff’s son Rubin from band practice.)
Bandmate No. 1 — “Jeff, when you die, you should get buried in your car.”
Me — “Yeah, it will be my Mazda-leum.”
Bandmate No. 2 — Walks down the steps into the basement, gives me a ba-da-bump-crash on the drum kit and walks back outside.
From Kanawha Kordsmen director and actor Ted Rose:
Guy 1: “My dad got me this cool new gadget. It’s called a Thermos. It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot.”
Guy 2: “Awesome! What’s in yours now?”
Guy 1: “2 Popsicles and some coffee!”
How do you turn a rubber duckie into a soulful singer? Put it in the microwave for 10 seconds and its Bill Withers.
Dad 1: What a cute baby! What’s her name?
Dad 2: Beth.
Dad 1: What’s it short for?
Dad 2: Because it’s a baby.