Are you running on fumes right now? Expectations are high, bandwidth is low and many of us have been rushing around in preparation for the holidays. And that’s just on the physical side.
Emotionally, you may be feeling unsettled by recent tragedies — either directly or indirectly. If you find yourself with musings of what the holidays should be, you’re not alone. And there’s no right or wrong answer, because this can morph and change over time.
For some of you this is a “first” — that first holiday season without your loved one. It may seem like nothing can fill that hole in your soul. What you’re feeling is authentic and raw. Time will help to heal, but it doesn’t feel like that right now.
And those extended family gatherings — or lack thereof — can hold such an emotional charge. Throw in exhaustion from travel and the disruption from routines for the kids and grandkids, and you’ve got a well-rounded recipe for potential letdowns.
Even the most close-knit families fall prey to these stressors. So, how can you put on your own oxygen mask?
Manage your expectations
Rather than thinking you can change the entire holiday dynamic, look at some baby steps. You can’t control the actions of others in the equation — especially that pesky relative who gets on your very last nerve. The only thing you can control is your reaction to the curveballs that may be thrown at you.
Stay focused on your overall outcome intention — a peaceful, harmonious connection. And choose your battles. Here are some simple life rules to keep in mind.
Surviving (and thriving) during the holidays
1. Don’t take anything personally
2. Don’t make assumptions
Easier said than done, right? How can you not take it personally when Cousin Joe throws a salvo over the mashed potatoes? Be prepared with some phrases to defuse any volatile situation that may come up.
One of my favorite phrases consists of four simple words that work like a charm. I’ve used it in many situations, and you may find it particularly useful during this heightened season. The phrase is very simple, although it can have the powerful effect of disarming the other person.
“You may be right.” Hold on. Doesn’t that send the message that you’re caving in — and backing down on your principles? Not really — because you’re only allowing for the possibility that the other person may be right. You’re not saying that he or she is right. Notice the distinction?
Rather than igniting a spark, the salvo is defused. The other person hears the possibility that they may be right, rather than a protest to debate. And, yet, you haven’t actually given up any ground. Pass the sweet potatoes, please.
Here’s another defusing statement to consider. “Looks like we have different perspectives on that.” You could even add, “I hadn’t thought of it that way” if you’re so inclined. Both phrases get the conversation back to neutral.
And if it absolutely galls you to give up even an inch, consider this statement by philosopher Alan Watts to help reframe your perspective. “When we attempt to exercise power over someone else, we cannot avoid giving that person the very same power over us.” Yikes!
The important notion is to keep focused on your overall goal. Sometimes these family dynamics bring out old patterns, and we revert to previous roles in the family structure. How many of you have been told, “You change when you get around your parents/brother/sister”?
And it’s no wonder. Your family of origin is functioning out of its own memories of you. Maybe they only see you occasionally, so they’re not aware of your current roles, responsibilities and achievements. And that can be very frustrating.
A probing question may seem intrusive to you, although the other person may just be trying to relate. And then there’s the opposite end of the spectrum — where your interests don’t even come up. It’s all about them.
One of my favorite authors, Don Miguel Ruiz, does a great job of dissecting the disservice we do to ourselves when we take things personally. In his book, “The Four Agreements,” Ruiz makes a startling statement near the beginning: “Nothing anything else does is because of you.”
Hmmmm. While that’s a freeing concept, it’s also puzzling. When someone directly insults you, how can you not take it personally? Ruiz explains that it’s the way they see the world, and it comes from fear.
“Don’t take anything personally, because by doing so you set yourself up to suffer for nothing,” Ruiz says. “Humans are addicted to suffering at different levels and to different degrees; and we support each other in maintaining these addictions.”
That’s a pretty strong statement. Yet it could help to explain why we recreate the same patterns in our lives.
A huge amount of freedom comes with not taking things personally. As you make this a habit, you’ll find you won’t need to place your trust in what others do or say. You’ll only need to trust yourself. What a concept! When you truly take this to heart, you set up a barrier that others can’t penetrate with careless comments.
On the flipside, we need to monitor our own tendencies to make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking. When we do this, we react to what we’ve projected — and end up blaming them.
Well, there you go. Pass the magic wand. While it’s certainly a tall order to follow these two rules — and you’re sure to have setbacks — creating an awareness and reminding yourself of these principles can help to alleviate needless suffering.
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen — and women
Above all, remember to be gentle with yourself. Take extra care of what you feed your mind. Go ahead and lose yourself in some of those holiday movies. Give yourself permission to add some new traditions. If you miss caroling or holiday services, seek out venues in the community to get involved.
And then there’s the age-old prescription for feeling better — help someone else. A quick phone call could mean the world to someone. Drop something in the charity buckets. Or wrap up a surprise Secret Santa gift. The point is to get yourself back to your heart space.
Here’s to more peace on earth — and within ourselves.
