There’s been a lot of talk lately about West Virginia’s lagging vaccination rates. Everyone expected vaccination rates would slow down; once you got past the people with a healthy fear of dying, there was always going to be those wary of taking a jab.
I get it. Nobody likes getting poked with a needle.
With the decline in vaccinations, state officials have reached the point where they are discussing incentives to get people to protect themselves.
Don’t get me wrong. I love a good bribe, but I feel like offering a $100 savings bond or a shiny new silver dollar to roll up your sleeve isn’t going to work.
Instead, to get more people vaccinated, the state needs to win their hearts and minds.
The problem is that winning minds in a place where we can’t agree on whether coleslaw belongs on hot dogs — coleslaw absolutely belongs on a hot dog, by the way — might be too big a battle for us to fight, so we have to appeal to the human heart.
And the best way to the heart is often through the stomach.
That’s why the best way to get people vaccinated is by offering Tudor’s biscuits.
It’s simple really — after getting your first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine, you leave with a freshly prepared Dottie, Tootie or Miner, all warm, tasty and ready to be consumed.
The state could maybe throw in a can of Monster Energy to wash breakfast down and help you on your way.
And with all the talk about taking vaccines to the people, Tudor’s Biscuit World would be a great spot for a drive-thru clinic. They’re located all over the state and they know how to efficiently get people through a line. In all the years I’ve bought biscuits at a Tudor’s drive-thru, I think I’ve only ever been asked to pull up and park once or twice.
After people come back for their second shot, give them a little more. Send them to the upscale side of the menu and let them choose between a Golden Eagle, a Thundering Herd or the very best biscuit, a Rocket.
The state could even step up its energy drink game and offer an ice-cold can of Reign. They could have them in a cooler by the drive-thru window. I tend to reach for the Razzle Berry, but there are many fine flavors, all chocked full of caffeine and other potentially useful chemicals.
But we don’t want to leave anyone out. Continuing with the state’s embrace of diversity, people who follow special diets (keto, gluten-free, vegan or vegetarian) could skip the crispy bacon or sausage patty and enjoy a biscuit and gravy platter, or perhaps a shaved ham melt (minus the shaved ham).
And if they didn’t want an energy drink, I’m sure Tudor’s has water.