Alexandra Petri: Dear Mitch, here's how impeachment should go (Opinion)

Dear Mitch,

Thank you so much for being so extremely willing to coordinate with us here at the President’s Team! Whatever it is that has made you entirely alter your position about how much power the Senate has to check the president since, uh, 2016, we appreciate you! Here is the president’s dictated list of requests for his Senate Trial. Obviously, there are a couple of ways this could go, so we wanted to get the options to you early!

First, the president wants to have the whistleblower come in, somehow, along with Adam Schiff. The whistleblower should deliver a long speech and blow three sorrowful blasts on “its whistle” (from the president’s use of pronouns to describe the whistleblower, we gleaned that he believed the whistleblower was some sort of anthropomorphic train) and tell the world how Schiff would not let the whistleblower testify, and then rear up to its full height, point at Schiff and say, “This is the Guilty Man!” Then the whistleblower would turn to the camera, say, “Mr. President, I am sorry, you are better than America deserves” and “chug” mournfully away to rejoin “its friend Thomas” or even brick itself up inside a wall to show remorse. (This request included a lengthy rant about how whistleblower protections are not relevant since trains have the American people on their side.)

Then Schiff is supposed to abase himself. He should testify that he is indeed “a bad man” and “knows what he did.” He should tear open his garments as a gesture of remorse and say, “Shifty’s my name,” but the president says he will not forgive him.

Then Volodymyr Zelenskiy should come in and say that he did not view the call as threatening, that it was perfect, and that he is opening an investigation into Hunter and Joe Biden — and what’s more, that he is opening the investigation right then and there! But he must be very careful not to “blink in a pattern.” (And then “we can give him the aid,” the president added, confusingly.)

Then they will “bring in the phone” (?) to show the call was perfect. (I don’t know what this means. Maybe the president thinks the phone broke because the call was too beautiful?)

Then “the Fake News” will “admit it all” and weep “like dogs” and play all the nice stories about what a good job the president has been doing that they have been maliciously hiding in a big hole instead of sharing with the American people. The stories you never hear! There should also be a jobs report.

Then “the angry girl” will come and say she is wrong and that the president should have been Time’s Person of the Year. Then they will unveil his new portrait, which shows he has the body of a god. John McNaughton will testify that it is perfect. He is an artist and an expert!

Then they should “have Andrew Johnson in” to “show that it is unfair.” (I could not get clarification from the president on whether he knew Andrew Johnson was dead and was suggesting he be exhumed and brought in as a kind of silent testimony, or whether he thought Andrew Johnson could say something. I can seek clarity on this if you want to go in this direction!)

“Hear all the people Hillary killed.” (Again I could not clarify what the president thought this testimony would be.)

“Covfefe.” (No idea)

Mike Pence should also be there, but he should be “invisible.”

Then — “PEW PEW!” — Space Force will parachute in and “save the day.”

The president will sit in the middle of the room in a judge’s robe and declare all the people who didn’t believe in him GUILTY! He will say, “You’re Fired!” and bang a big gavel. They will pronounce him President for Life, and they will clap and clap and clap.

The above are negotiable, but these are the riders that absolutely must be abided by:

1. No mean witnesses who make the president look wrong.

2. In the president’s dressing room, bowl of Sour Patch Kids; separate bowl of Sour Patch Parents.

3. No “bad facts” (?).

Let me know what you think! I am sure we can work something out. Maybe just something small and quick, before Christmas.


Team Counsel

Alexandri Petri is a satirical columnist for The Washington Post.